In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
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Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special