I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.