In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Thursday Thought.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*