Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.