I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.