Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”