“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
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meow
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?