All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.