That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
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“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them