[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
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My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?