Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I missed you with all my darts