One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
You Might Also Like
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
we’re dead?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out