Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
You Might Also Like
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Is this you?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.