Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
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Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
motivation
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
i wish we could shoplift online
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house