Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
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911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.