Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
shut up and take my money
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.