I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping