In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.