I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
this is me
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.