[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
A bold strategy
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg