I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.