NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.