Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
uh oh
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Dolls on drugs
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.