My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Mornin
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*