You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon