You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
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DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
fair
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down