I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
You Might Also Like
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree