When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
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Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.