Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Jogging
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.