Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Breaking news:
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.