Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
You Might Also Like
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
the answer was staring at me all along
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
This headline is a thing of beauty
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.