Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
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My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?