judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi