Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You Might Also Like
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys