“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Thursday
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
They got a point!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Every haunted house movie: