DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
What if the weather talks about us?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate