“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I occasionally drink every single night.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.