*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
ok like just. call me at this point
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.