Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
✌🏽
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
estão todos miauvindo?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow