.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
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Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Morning.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Raisins are grape jerky.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.