hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.