I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying