Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
You Might Also Like
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.