I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
He a real one for that
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.