[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.