Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
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Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Terribly Tuesday.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic