Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Had to try this trend 😊
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.