COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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Mission: Impossible
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Tremendous stuff
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.