Best seat on the street 😍
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”