[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
You Might Also Like
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
dutch is not a serious language
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming